By Amanda, trigger warning -family violence
Please Note: My story is based on ‘my’ experience of male violence towards a female and by no means intends to take away from anyone else’s personal experience of domestic abuse.
29.04.2019
Today is the anniversary of the day I survived, so I thought I’d do a little self-reflection and check in on my wellness. It was this day, some years back, that my now ex-husband took me by my throat, bashed my head against a wall, then held his grip until I lost consciousness. I have since learned that sadly, this is not uncommon for those living in abusive relationships.
I don’t know why he let go, I don’t know why I am alive today…but I am…and for that I am thankful. Looking back, I am now in a position emotionally, spiritually and mentally where I can be grateful for the lessons learnt from that fateful day. For it provided me with the precipice for change. It was due to this event that I realised I could not protect my children dead…so I left. In short, I found purpose in the attack, thus giving me the strength to carry on.
And no, as many of you may have wondered, this was not the first and/or only abusive act. A decade of coercive, financial, physiological, emotional, threatening, blaming and isolating abuse came before it, with sexual abuse being his favourite.
The behaviours and attitudes started out subtly, in fact, I would even go as far as saying he was quite charming….at first. Then, before I knew it, he was in full-blown power and control mode…and I was in deep-seated survival mode. Somehow, I found myself in charge of and at fault for his emotional state, where apparently, my ‘inconsiderate actions and behaviours’ left him with no choice but to react. These outbursts of violent anger were often followed by his speech about how his actions were justified, that I was at fault, and it was only because he loved me ‘too much’.
I used to wonder a lot about what it was I had done so wrong, or what I could have done better to ensure I didn’t end up in such a destructive relationship. Perhaps if I had known the “danger signs” and was able to put labels to my gut feeling associated with his abusive behaviours. Perhaps If I had made even more of an effort to “reach out”. Or perhaps…just perhaps, this issue was bigger than me and my internalised belief of failing to keep myself and my children safe, but rather a wider societal issue.
New Zealand DV statistics state that one in three women (35%) have reportedly experienced DV/IPV in their lifetime. This percentage, however, increases to 55% when coercive, psychological, emotional and financial abuse is taken into consideration (NZFVC, 2017). Compounding this issue, according to the New Zealand Crime and Safety Survey (NZCASS) (2014); less than a quarter of incidents were actually reported by those experiencing IPV, thus leaving 76% of DV/IPV incidents/episodes going unreported to the NZ police in 2013 (MOJ, 2015). Furthermore, according to NZCASS; 37.2 % of those that had experienced IPV did not consider the incident a criminal offence, rather they were “…more likely to consider the incident ‘Wrong’, but not a crime” (33%), or “…Just something that happens” (30%), when compared to all offences” (NZCASS, p 127).
Much has been done in response to our domestic violence rates, and yet our women, in particular, are still suffering at the hands of their (male) partners. From this experience, I learnt that hope is a mighty powerful thing when it is all you have left to cling to. I believe changes to our statistics can be made. By challenging attitudes and discourse around DV and IPV. For it is the little subtle things that inform the big things, which in turn set the stage for the continuation of those little subtle things. So let’s be seen challenging things like sexist jokes or gender biases. For once our society catches on, so to will our statistics.
Like many others, I have carried the pain of domestic violence privately, shrouded in shame and guilt, for too long. So today I publicly state that I am stepping away from that burden, as I now know it is not mine to carry …today I say me too.
Please Note:
….If you are in there struggling, please know that there are people out there that will hear you, that will understand what you are going through…and can take steps to ensure your safety…..
References
Crichton-Hill, Y. (2016). Changing landscapes: Responding to domestic violence in New Zealand. Aotearoa New Zealand Social Work, 22(4), 12 – 19. Retrieved from https://anzswjournal.nz/anzsw/article/viewFile/31/26
Family Violence Death Review Committee. (FVDRC) (2016). Fifth Annual Report: January 2014 to December 2015. Retrieved from https://www.hqsc.govt.nz/assets/FVDRC/Publications/FVDRC-5th-report-Feb-2016-2.pdf
Flaskas, C. (2007). The balance of hope and hopelessness. In Hope and Despair in Narrative and Family Therapy (pp. 38-49). Routledge. Retrieved from http://tasnimnoor.com/Portals/0/Leisure/Hope%20and%20Despair%20in%20Narrative%20and%20Family%20Therapy.pdf#page=39
Metzger, N., & Woodley, A. (2011). Report on giving, receiving and seeking help: The campaign for action on family violence. Retrieved from https://www.msd.govt.nz/documents/about-msd-and-our-work/publications-resources/research/campaign-action-violence-research/report-on-giving-receiving-and-seeking-help.pdf
Ministry of Justice (2015). 2014 New Zealand Crime and Safety Survey (NZCASS): Main findings report. Retrieved from https://www.justice.govt.nz/assets/Documents/Publications/NZCASS-201602-Main-Findings-Report-Updated.pdf
Ministry of Social Development (2019). Family Violence: It’s Not OK. Retrieved from http://areyouok.org.nz/family-violence/statistics/
New Zealand Family Violence Clearinghouse (2017). University of Auckland, June 2017. Retrieved from https://nzfvc.org.nz/sites/nzfvc.org.nz/files/Data-summaries-snapshot-2017.pd
Shine. (2015). Making homes violence free. Retrieved from https://www.2shine.org.nz/get-help/helpline
Wilson, D., Smith, R., Tolmie, J., & de Hann, I. (2015). Becoming Better helpers: Rethinking language to move beyond simplistic responses to women experiencing intimate partner violence. Retrieved from https://openrepository.aut.ac.nz/bitstream/handle/10292/8821/Becoming%20better%20helpers.pdf?sequence=2
Rethinking language to move beyond simplistic responses to women experiencing intimate partner violence. Retrieved from https://openrepository.aut.ac.nz/bitstream/handle/10292/8821/Becoming%20better%20helpers.pdf?sequence=2
Women’s Refuge New Zealand. (2019). Domestic violence. Retrieved from http://www.womensrefuge.co.nz/About/Our-History/
2019 Social work blog 413 /713 